


Keep it hidden

by Transdodds



Category: Groundhog Day - Minchin/Rubin
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, F/M, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, trans Phil connors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 17:48:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13059036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/pseuds/Transdodds
Summary: Phil wants to tell her, he really does, if only he could get the words out.





	Keep it hidden

It was five months into their relationship and Phil still hadn't told her.  He wasn't sure why he hadn't just told her that evening on February 2nd, it wasn't like it was new to him. By that point he'd told pretty much the entire town, or at least all the people he'd tried to sleep with which was pretty much the same thing. So why hadn't he been able to get the words out? 

He'd never admit it but he knew he'd been scared of rejection, which, while nothing new, was something he hadn't been stopped by for a long time. He'd always been able to keep up the attitude that if they rejected him then fuck them, he didn't really care anyway, something that had become so much easier in the loop where nothing really mattered anyway. 

Except Rita. Rita mattered to Phil more then he cared to admit and he knew that if she rejected him he wouldn't be able to just brush it off. It would hurt him, cut him right to core and he was terrified. He knew that her leaving, her realising that she deserved more then someone broken, someone incomplete, would hurt more then it ever had before. Part of him tried to convince him that Rita wasn't like that, that Rita wouldn't do that. But all the people who had left him, all those rejections, all the times he'd lowered his walls and given someone his heart only to have it smashed, as much as he told himself they didn't matter, they stilled filled him with doubt and dread. 

So instead of saying what he wanted to say, what he knew he should say he just continued to kiss her intermittently as they ran, hand in hand, up to his room, in the bed and breakfast, before taking her into his arms, one hand slowly brushing her cheek. She pulled away to tug at his tie and he tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating, his mind screaming at him, telling him that he had to tell her now, that she’d find it out anyway. He had pulled of her coat and she had unbuttoned his shirt and was about to pull off his undershirt, muttering something about too many layers, when he froze, starting to feel sick. He should just tell her, but he couldn’t, he was unable to get the words out so instead he could only watch as they ran towards the rejection he feared was waiting for him and then it became too much. 

Rita realised something was wrong immediately and pulled away “You okay Phil?”

“Yeah… I just, I’m…” Come on say it, just get the words out, Phil thought to himself but they stuck in his throat something else falling out instead. “Can we take it slow?”.

“Of course”  It wasn’t what he wanted, but at least it kept his secrets hidden and helped him remember how to breathe. Rita started to tentatively kiss him again and he responded enthusiastically. 

They fell asleep in each others arms, Phil with his white t-shirt still on hiding scars he was terrified Rita would see and filled with confusion and self-hatred.

Which brought them to now. Five months of dating, and five months of Phil being unable to just tell Rita the truth and instead asking her to slow down whenever she came too close. 

He tried to tell himself it was nothing to do with that, that he just didn’t want to take advantage of Rita, especially after the way he’d treated her in the loop. But when she was always the one to make a move it was hard to pretend that was the real reason. 

He decided he’d tell her tonight, he’d finally do it. He’d already told her about the loop, and she’d taken that okay even if she hadn’t fully believed him at first. Part of him feared that this on top of the loop would be too much and she’d leave him, and honestly he wouldn’t blame her. But a tiny part of him, an optimistic, hopeful part that somehow hadn’t been crushed even after all these years reassured him that she wasn’t like that, that she’d understand. 

The sound of a key turning in the lock pulled him out of his thoughts, and he turned to see Rita returning from her producers meeting. 

“Hey, you said you wanted to talk, is everything okay?” Rita asked, concern clearly written across her face, and gosh what had he done to deserve her? 

“I- I’m…” Fuck, why couldn’t he just get the damn words out. He spoke for a living, he should be able to say just two words. He took a few deep breaths before trying to start again “I’m sure you’re wondering why I always, uh, ask you to slow down”

“Phil, don’t worry about it. We can take it as slow as you want”

“I want to go faster, I mean I want to do it with you, to uh be with you. It’s just, well…” Great start, Phil thought to himself. Real elegant phrasing. 

“Well?”

Deep breath, here it goes. “I’m trans” Phil almost shouted before repeating it again quieter. “And, um, I understand if you just want to leave. I wouldn’t blame you, after the loop I’m already broken, with all of this. I understand- if this is too, too much. You could have so much, don’t feel you have to settle for someone broken, incomplete. Someone like, someone like me.” Phil said, the words which had taken him so long to say coming out and breaking a damn, leading to fears and doubts spilling out in between gasps for air before he could stop them. Rita silently held him as he started to breathe normally, stroking his back, as he nestled his head into the crook of her neck. He listened to her quietly tell him that it was all going to be okay, and part of him believed her and he started to return to normal, pulling away, his eyes still red.

“Phil, why would I leave you over that? I… I love you, all of you, nothing is going to change that.”

“You, you love me?” Phil knew he loved Rita, and a part of him had guessed, had hoped she loved him back. But it wasn’t clear until know, until he saw in her eyes such tenderness and love she had for him. The slight fear she’d had at telling him that she loved him slipped away instantly at his tone of awe and was replaced by compassion and happiness and love, such incredible love for the man in front of her. 

“Yeah, Phil. I love you, and whoever made you think that this meant you weren’t worthy of love, that you didn’t deserve love, that you were somehow less, well they couldn’t have been more wrong. You’re perfect, and nothing will ever change that. Nothing” Rita said, her words becoming fierce but still filled with such love that Phil couldn’t stop the tears that started to well up again and fall down his cheeks. He didn’t even really try to stop them, those two words had pulled down any and all walls he had kept up between them. He cried freely, safe in the knowledge there was no need to hide anything from Rita, not anymore. 

Phil leant in, kissing Rita, kissing this perfect women who somehow loved him, who saw the parts he desperately tried to hide, and accepted them, loved them. 

“Thank you” he whispered, and Rita didn’t ask why, even though she felt she didn’t deserve his thanks she would take it if that was what he needed. She would do anything to stop Phil from ever sounding so small and broken again.


End file.
